Can't Sleep

Debilitating anxiety. Everything feels like it's going wrong and I have no control over the situation. I can't focus on anything productive. I tell myself I don't care about what's happening and that I've come to peace with the situation but I can sense a low level anxiety that keeps me awake at night and makes the days long and empty. I wish I could escape this situation but I don't know how.

Anticipatory Grief

No matter how bad things seem, they can get infinitely worse. Perhaps not infinitely since there is death.

Distressing messages from CT yesterday about the deterioration in my father's state. I have been largely avoidant about his illness but yesterday was the first time I properly acknowledged it in my mind.

I feel slightly at a loss. On the one hand, I've been preparing for this day since 1994 and surely losing one parent should inure one to the potential loss of the second.

I want to rationalize this away and remind myself that death is the most natural and certain thing about living, and that this fear is perverse, but I can't help but feel a debilitating sense of anxiousness that is starting to interrupt my sleep patterns. I know I'm 'overdramatizing' something most people go through but it feels like my world is being upended, yet again, and that I will soon be losing the one thing I have tried to hold on desperately to.

Reading my previous entries, I'm starting to see a theme here.